This is something I rarely speak about; yet I promised myself this would be an open journal. Please read all the way to the end because this is not an, “Oh feel sorry for Darlene but a glimpse into stubbornness that can be used for good as God lives inside me healing me through the circumstances of life.” I am hoping this helps someone else who has also gone through an experience like me…yes I know you are out there. 🤗
Today I received a message from a Christian book literary agent. I had only requested an information packet and did not expect the call. I had let it go to voicemail because the number was from Pennsylvania and had no name (I know you all probably would do the same). He had left a voicemail letting me know to contact him with any questions and that he was excited to hear about my book (He does not know what I am writing about yet). I literally had a pit of fear in my stomach and started to cry. My first thought was Oh no, he is a Christian and I am going to end up being treated the same way I was treated by many Christians four years ago (Read my story here Ummmm…Is That An Elephant in the Room?!?!? and People Don’t Like Letting the Elephant Out, Questions Answered)
For the last four years there are only a group of Christians I actually trust to be around. Sounds sad, but it is true. My husband says I have PTSD. Which is probably true. I wouldn’t want to go places by myself because I wanted witnesses to anything that might, could, would happen when running into people from that church. I would get knots in my stomach as I prepared to go out of my house and simply grocery shop. I am much better now, I can head out to the store knowing just like coyotes these people run from me.
Today when I received this message from an unknown christian that wants to hear what my book is about it threw me back into an unknown which put fear in my gut and wondered why he was being so nice to me. It was like four years ago when everything was happening my family went to Bodega Bay to get out of the firestorm and the man at the front desk was nice to me. I realize he was doing his job but he actually treated me like a human being. Someone outside my family and the few close friends who never changed the way they treated me. It was a shock to me in that moment. Well this same feeling happened today. My son, trying to be helpful, said Mom you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Which is true. But I answered, I have to face this fear otherwise I wont do anything. My forcing myself to go grocery shopping was facing my fear of seeing these people and being treated horrible then lied about was facing my fear. My phone call back to this unknown christian will be the same for me. I can’t live in the place of fear otherwise I will never step out again and I do not want to live in regret for not doing something I really want to do. I had asked my husband, who had taken a class on the subject of PTSD, when or how I can get better and he had told me just keep living and pushing through those fear places. This is what I do….and I remember I am never, ever alone for God is walking right beside me. See even this circumstance in my life shows me how much God loves me to help me find freedom from fear.